Day 11 Christmas decorations already?!

I love Christmas, it is my favorite holiday. Everything about it is special and this year I may be the most special yet because Katie is really understanding it. However, it is November 11th and I just passed a house with Christmas decorations up & lit! Sorry for me that is just way too early. Halloween just finished & Thanksgiving is still 2 weeks away. Talk about rushing the season! Ok I had thoughts of putting lights up while it is still warm but not lighting them. Quite honestly I feel a little funny about that even though it would be easier.

I remember growing up on 60th Street with the decorations going up all along 5th Avenue. Waiting till Thanksgiving was over and then seeing the Avenue lit up. Seeing the Nativity go up across the street on our side of the church. It felt special, it should feel special, it is special. The decorations going up in our house, the tree in the front windows and our Nativity on the piano. Later really wonderful memories of my mother and I putting the tree up together with some crazy amount of lights, all white up the center and colored lights on the outside. The year I talked her into red bows instead of the gold tinsel was a banner year for me. Of course before the tree went up we had to do the lights, all white with the huge wreath hanging from the middle floor. All three floors had the white lights in the windows, three over three over three. So pretty.

I still do the white lights on my home now and hang the wreath in my front window. The Nativity goes on a shelf on my bookshelves our living room. Paul & I have put away the fragile ornaments the last few years & will keep them away for a few more, shatterproof is the way to go these days. Katie has loved our tree and taking the ornaments on and off rearranging them everyday. Now you know why the shatterproof balls are the way to go. I am looking forward to this season with Katie, but not rushing it! Thanksgiving is also special and should be celebrated for what it is, not just the stepping stone to Christmas. So while this is my favorite time of year, please don’t rush past the build up to it. Don’t forget the beauty of fall and Thanksgiving.

Christmas 2007

Day 10 I am woman....

Late night at work, just got home. I will leave you with this picture that is one of my favorites of Katie. This was taken on a class trip that day I was in the hospital. In typical Katie fashion, she went straight to the top of the haystack to survey her domain. Can’t you just hear Helen Reddy’s “I am woman.” Or Katie saying “Don’t worry boys, I’ve got you covered.” Paul’s take was “Step aside boys, coming through.”

What’s your caption for this image?

Day 9 Hair cuts & trust

Tired! Three days of nonstop running and I am beat. Today after school Katie & I went up to my niece, Tamara’s so that I could get my hair done. Tamara is an artist when it comes to my hair, I don’t think I’ve looked this good in years! I was long overdue since my last “appointment” with Tamara was the day I was in the hospital and when you go that long you get the skunk look, lovely.

One of the reasons I love having Tamara do my hair is that I get to spend time with her one on one or two on one as my mother usually comes along to get her hair done as well. We have a system which is one month I go up north & one month she comes down south. However, the most important part of this is the time spent with one another. I haven’t spent this much time with Tamara in years & am totally enjoying it. Better yet, Katie is enjoying it. She is getting to know her older cousins, I’ll do a whole other post about Ariana.

Katie is learning trust in a different way through Tamara doing my hair. Our very first images of Katie were of this beautiful baby with a head FULL of hair. It was amazing & I even had one of my online friends tell me that our baby was the talk of their dinner conversation & how much hair she had. Jump forward about 7-8 weeks later and Katie had practically no hair, she had a buzz cut when we first met. She has always been freaked out about getting her hair cut & I can only wonder at what happened to her when it was cut that first time. She has had her hair cut about 5-6 times since coming home & honestly it has mostly been nightmarish which is way Katie has those long flowing locks of hair. Anytime I bring up getting her hair cut she says, “Not me Mommy, only you & Grammy.”

Well, today, I said “Katie, it’s Tamara, come on let’s go.” Guess what, she did. God Bless Tamara, she cut a squirmy little girl’s hair and there were no tears. Tamara didn’t cry once. OK joking. Katie did great and this was really the first time we were not traumatized by a hair cut. It comes down to cousins knowing each other even with a 20 something age difference, it comes down to learning to trust in a whole different way. Thanks Tamara!

Kelly Anne & Tamara

Katie

Day 8 Sisters of the heart.....

Today Sue, Peter, Valerie & Victoria came to visit. This is always a special visit for us because as Sue put it “Katie & Valerie knew each other before we knew them.” I have always referred to the children in our travel group as “China sisters” because Katie spent her first 11 months with these beautiful girls. The way that Katie & Valerie have always interacted has made me think that they may have shared a crib or at least had the cribs next to one another. It is amazing to watch them interact and I hope that they always will have that special something that they have now.

I will post more about this but quite honestly, it has been a long weekend & I am beat. So here are some pictures of Valerie, Katie & Victoria, Valerie’s little sister (mei-mei)

Katie & Valerie

Victoria

All 3 girls playing dress up

All 3 again

Valerie & Katie...Sisters of the the heart

Day 7 A Mother's View of Referral Day - revisited

Most of you know that I usually work about 10-12 hours on Saturdays so I am going to revisit some of my favorite posts on on those days. This was written on May 2, 2006 just days after we received our referral on April 27, 2006. I have to tell you that re-reading this brought tears to my eyes. Click here to see those 1st pictures of Katie.

Day 6 You all better? You happy? I make you smile?

You all better? You happy? I make you smile? As Katie & I were sitting on the couch the other day, chilling out watching Max & Ruby these were the questions that she had for me. Wow, what goes through that little mind! I just had to scoop her up & squeeze her because yes she makes me smile everyday, even the days that are the hardest to get through.

When we first met with the attachment therapist (AT) two years ago Paul & I had to answer a ton of questions about Katie & her behavior and what led us to believe we had issues with attachment. Some of it was written questions which we were told that if you score 55 or more than you have issues with attachment. Well, we scored off the charts at over 280. I was blown away and scared. One of the first things that our AT asked us was “what is something that you love about Katie?” We were immersed in some really negative stuff back then. Both Paul & I answered immediately, we didn’t have to think about it or search our hearts for a positive. The answer for both of us was Katie’s sense of humor & love of life. I found out later that was one of Paul’s biggest fears, what if this child doesn’t have a sense of humor, well no worries there.

Katie loves to laugh & have a good time. She is also quite good at playing a joke or poking fun at something or someone. Most recently was this week & I was the butt of her joke. For those of you unfamiliar with our home it’s a split level with our family room, Paul’s studio & laundry room are on the lower level. Upstairs is our kitchen, living room, office & bedrooms. Usually after dinner Katie & I watch TV before she goes to bed. OK Katie watches & I try to read a book and relax while sitting next to her. The other evening probably about 7:30ish I went upstairs to get pj’s for Katie & left her in the family room, with Paul right next door in his studio, my intention was to be away two minutes. I got a little side tracked by facebook, oops! About 10 minutes later I walk back into the family room & Katie is sitting in “my spot” with my book in her hands, her head laying back, snoring! That little stinker! The amazing thing is she had to plan it out in her head & wait for me to come back. I called Paul to come in & look at her. When he did, not only did he think it was hilarious, but he corrected her on how I snore! She lost it laughing with Paul. It was a great! This is not the first time she has done little things like this, but it just seemed more complex than before & maybe more mature than I am used to from Katie. I know that we can look back at many times laughing together and forward to the future for more laughter as a family. That is another good place amidst the chaos of life to add to yesterday's post.

BTW, for the record, I don’t snore.

Day 5 Finding a good place amidst the chaos of life

Finding a good place amidst the chaos of life is not always easy, but it is doable. Chaos was definitely how I was feeling yesterday. Katie was pushing every button I have & I was having a hard time finding that patience that I was talking about in my last post. I was literally counting down the minutes until Paul got home so I could go hide out in our bedroom for a good half hour of downtime, which turned into an hour. There were times I used to feel really guilty for wanting to get away from this child I wanted so badly, however, I know that I do need that space or I will succumb to the bedlam and lose my mind.

Most of what was causing the mayhem in our lives was Katie’s attachment issues and my being a working mom. Financially I had to go back to work after Katie came home, however going back to work in NY was no longer an option, I left my job there and had to figure out what I was going to do in NJ. Luckily through a twist of fate a client of Paul’s knew that Kramer Portraitsneeded a salesperson. When I interviewed I explained how I was not ready to go back to work for another month and they understood my reasons and agreed. We had already found a great daycare and Katie was set. Four mornings a week, I was off on Mondays, I would drop Katie off at daycare and Paul would pick her up. It was long days for all of us & we were still getting used to each other. My poor girl was sick so often in the beginning mostly with a ton of ear infections, which would lead to ear tubes but not right away because we didn’t know her previous history, so we had to wait. So a sick child, new job and a ton of guilt for not being with Katie all the time. About 10 months into this job I realized that things were not going well with Katie at all and she needed me home. I went into work & met with my two bosses, Steve & Peter, those poor guys, I was teary, blubbering mess. Basically I was quitting and was told no.

Can you really quit a job & be turned down? Apparently. Steve told me to go for a drive & come back in an hour and we would figure it out. What we figured out what would benefit both of us but what is more important what would work best for Katie. I went from full time to working 30 hours a week with about 16 of those hours at the studio. The rest of the time I work at home on my schedule or in reality Katie’s schedule. That flexibility has allowed me to find balance in my life, not all the time but most of the time. I am lucky enough to love where I work and the people I work with. Is it all perfect, well no, that would be unrealistic to think everything is perfect. Does it come close, yeah it really does and I am grateful to owners of a company who stand behind what they consider important, family. So I have found my good place amidst the chaos of being a working mother.

Day 4 I may have to go away I will come back...

I may have to go away I will come back. That’s a big statement & quite honestly one that makes me uncomfortable to say sometimes. There are no guarantees in life and you never know what may happen. What if, God forbid, I can’t keep that promise to this special little girl, will it destroy her.

Here’s the thing, Katie has already been through two major loses in her short life. The lose of her birthmother on the day Katie was born and then the lose of the orphanage and the nannies who were her caregivers. I know most of you will tell me that she is better off with me than in an orphanage, but when Katie came to us she was 11 months old. Think about your children at 11 months old, then think about taking them away from everything familiar, whether it is good or bad and putting them with strangers. Pretty scary thought right? Right! That’s what happened to Katie at 11 months, now go back to the day you gave birth and imagine taking your beautiful baby whom you have carried in your womb for 9 months and wrap them in an adult shirt and then leave them on the side of the road for who knows how long until a stranger picks them up and takes them to a police station. More than scary, right? Right! Traumatizing!

That is what happened to my Katie, she has had people in her life go away and never come back. Then there is the 11 months in between that we don’t know what happened in the orphanage. At best there were just too many caregivers and at worst there was neglect and abuse. I don’t know exactly what happened to her, but I can hypothesize based on certain behaviors and reactions that Katie has had to things over the last 3 years. Now you cannot expect a miraculous attachment to a child after a couple of weeks, you have to give it a good amount of time given all that had happened, but after a year of trying on my own and not getting a real attachment I knew we needed more help. We have worked with an attachment specialist, psychiatrist, early intervention, speech and occupational therapist as well as chiropractic neurologist. We are still working on it. Do we now have a good attachment, yes, is it secure, no. Katie still worries and struggles with forever. Is shows in her eyes, it is as if a light switch is flipped and she goes away. A hardness comes into those beautiful eyes and I think, “Oh God here we go again, can I get her back.” The answer is yes, but sometimes it is disheartening to keep going over and over the same ground. These days that cycling out on me has lessened and I am able to “bring” her back more quickly thanks to all I have learned in the past few years.

Now that Katie’s speech has just exploded in the past few months, which I feel is directly related to getting her the right therapy with OT and the sensory gym, Abilities in Action she is able to voice some of her fears. The most vocal one right now is that I am not coming home, which of course if from my one night away from her last week when I was in the hospital. Yesterday was my first day back at work. For those of you who don’t know I am lucky enough that I only go into work 2 days a week, Tuesdays from 3PM to 9PM, and Saturdays from 9AM to 7:30PM, not including the hour travel time to & from work. The rest of the week I work from home on my schedule or truthfully around Katie’s schedule. Tuesday’s Katie is with my neighbor right across the street who is a Godsend. Katie adores Jeanmarie & her two children, Erin & Brendan and she also is lucky enough to have all of their cousins & friends who are great with Katie. Saturdays are Daddy days. However, yesterday Jeanmarie’s kids were not feeling great, so Katie went with my parents. We see my parents a lot, I try not to have them watch Katie for long periods of time since they are in their eighties, you did not hear that from me. First we went out for a nice little lunch and then they dropped me off at home so I could get ready to go to work. As I was leaving, Katie didn’t want me to go and was very clingy. I mapped it out for her: Grammy, Grandpa - Daddy comes to get you - dinner with Grammy, Grandpa-home to Riley - bedtime - Mommy comes home & kisses you goodnight.

So we were good with that and off they go armed with nail polish, her mermaid costume and her monkey bank. I called a little while later because I knew she was uneasy & all was good in Grammy & Grandpa land, great. When then I called about 5 o’clock, when its was starting to get dark. My Dad answered & said they were just about to call me because Katie was worried. When my little beauty got on the phone she was scared because it was getting dark & Daddy wasn’t coming to get her & she was lost! Oh boy. Of course I explained that Daddy was coming, I had just talked to him and he was on his way to Katie. Yes, it was dark, how do you explain daylight savings to a kid? No, she was not lost, both Daddy & I knew exactly where she was & she was completely safe with Grammy & Grandpa. The good thing was I could hear my mother in the background telling her almost verbatim what I was saying and giving her hugs at the same time. Daddy did get there and I did come home. I can see see it working in that little brain even in her sleep. She is all over the place and has been waking up frightened again.

This is something that I am sure we will be dealing with for a long time in different ways and being triggered by many different things. The most important thing for me to remember to patience. Sometimes that patience is needed to just figure out where things are coming from. This past week it was easy to figure out, so we are able to “map” out what is needed, there are many times it’s not easy to do that. And if it is not easy for me to figure out I can only imagine the turmoil in can cause in Katie. So yes PATIENCE is important.

This morning I woke up to the top of a little head and a set of dark eyes staring at me. When I opened my eyes the whole little head popped up and Katie said “Mommy, you come back!” Yes, Katie I come back, Mommy always comes back.

This is is from a year & 1/2 ago, but it is very close to what happend this morning :-)